An astronomical number that is not surprising to me including me wishing a "do-over" given a chance to go back and change things when we were young.
It may even be a fact that all of us do wish that in our humanly imperfect perception of things and people, we get to fix our past and our colossal mistakes.
There is no way that we could have known better if we didn't go through all the refining, purging, experimenting of what we're up and against with.
I tell you what...I could have probably been more honest, open, tenacious and still remain couth on everything that matters most. I could have trimmed down my ideals/principles/ guidelines and just be down to earth on my choosing to whom I'm going to experience a first love relationship with a man.
You see, when you're young, you operate on your emotions solely. You don't listen to your folks who have already drunk a drum of relatable experiences and wiser... We think that they don't love us because they're opposing our random responses. But that wasn't the case with me. I had an open dialogue with my parents. I remember I told my mom that somebody is coming to visit me at our home and that I asked if I could and she said yes. That was the beginning of an ordeal--me feeling stuck and that carried me in my adult life. I thought I was in a good relationship because we never had arguments on anything. That it would be so uncharacteristic and selfish of me if I ended it. However, I wouldn't minimize the fact that he was my first love.
God knows what's best for me. I just refused to admit it then.
All of my younger self, I had created this wrong mindset about a love relationship. I didn't have the nerve or the vein to correct my emotions. How do you make them right when you're stuck with a lie and just stayed there for there was nothing better? Or how do I know then that I didn't need to nurture my wrong judgment on men? Having been schooled and educated didn't have a full bearing as to what I should do. Or maybe being young legitimizes some of your wrongdoings.
But not anymore...
I'm pretty much together in all areas of my life except that I'm not wise enough when it comes to building lasting relationships. Or maybe my problem was I settled for second- best not realizing that I'm worthy of the best. Maybe, if I had this personal relationship before with the Lord already, I may have had gone for taking risks on more challenging dreams, not the dreams of chasing someone who couldn't even go near what love is; what real love encompasses!
I hereby say that there will be no more maybe's, and excuses. Only absolutes and reality.
So, what I have to tell my older self now is thank God that there is a sovereign God who loves me. They could be all gone for all I know including my stupidity in my younger self. One thing I know now and for sure I believe in myself now 100%. I always seek the Lord's guidance in all my circumstances, big or small, or in between spaces, that I am experiencing His manifestation of His grace and sharing His goodness to whosoever listens with an open heart.
My younger self-had gone a very tumultuous longevity of deception and lies brought about by the wrong mindset. And Today is the greatest day of your life if you know the truth about what God says about what you're doing and that's forever freedom and peace that only the Almighty One can provide.\Did not really elucidate on further details but I know you do get my point.